Elul is an invitation to self-reflect.

We cannot be forced to do this reflection but are invited to do the work.

Some years, we give ourselves the time and space to take an account of who we are. Other years, we sail by, hoping that we didn’t do anything so bad, and promise to try again next year. In some, we go through the motions, reciting the prayers as we might check off boxes on a checklist.

This kind of reflection work is difficult. While we can delude ourselves for a while, ultimately, this process asks us to be honest with the one person who will know the difference, ourselves.

And yet, we are the heroes of our own story. The only way we can understand what others think and feel is to be in dialogue.

It is this dynamic that invites us in this season to do the work.

Because Teshuvah is rarely done alone.

Teshuvah is done in relationship, in connection, in a dynamic interchange between those who have done harm and those who have been harmed.

Maimonides asks and answers:

What is complete Teshuvah?
When a situation comes to a person to sin [again] and it is possible to do it, and they abstain and do not do that thing because of Teshuvah.

Meaning to say, when faced with the same choice to do the wrong thing, they do not repeat their action because of the work they have done. Not from fear or weakness, but from Teshuvah.

Sins between people

The first Halakhah in the Shulkhan Arukh on personal Teshuvah, in the section on Yom Kippur, says this:

Yom Kippur does not atone for sins between people until [the perpetrator] appeases [the harmed person]. And even if they only vexed them with words, they need to appease them. And if one does not appease them the first time, they should return and go a second time and a third. And on each time [the person] should bring with them three people and if they do not appease [the person] on the third time, they are no longer obligated to it. [However] if they are their teacher, one must go many times until they are appeased.

Rabbi Yosef Karo is explaining to us:

• Yom Kippur doesn’t resolve any issues between people. The issues must be resolved first, only then can Yom Kippur atone.
• Words harm as much as anything else and deserve our effort.
• Teshuvah should be done with witnesses.
• If a person is obstinate in accepting apologies, the obligation is released. Unless they are their teacher, then there is no limit of apologies required.

These core rules, and Maimonides’ definition, are helpful in our understanding of what the task is upon us.

There are two commentaries worth noting:

First, the gloss on the text above by Rabbi Moshe Isserless says the following:

The forgiver should not cruel in [giving] their forgiveness unless they intend [their refusal to be] for the good of the requester of forgiveness. And if one caused them to have a bad name, they do not need to forgive them [the other person].

Namely, while we should not cruelly refuse to forgive those who harmed us, there is an additional limitation, if our purpose of the refusal is to be for the growth of the perpetrator. We also know that there are harms so great, they cannot be forgiven.

We cannot just refuse to forgive, lest we fall into cruelty, but rather, if we refuse for a greater purpose, there is some leniency.

The other limitation is if that person has caused them reputational harm. Reputation is one of the things we cannot control and often has a life of its own. If they have harmed our reputation, unfairly, they do not need to be forgiven.

Second, the Mishnah Berurah commentary says this about “one’s teacher”:

One’s teacher: Even if they are not their primary, exceptional teacher, rather [someone] from whom they heard a word of Torah.

Our original limitation by Rabbi Yosef Karo was that our teachers require an endless effort to appease them if we’ve harmed them. The Mishnah Berurah is reminding us that anyone who has taught us a word of Torah is worthy of that effort.

So what do we do with all of this?

We should actively seek to repair the damage that we’ve caused.

This season is not one of passivity. We are enjoined to do the work. It means that we have to do the self-reflection and seek out those whom we’ve harmed.

We cannot presume that atonement will just occur.

It is something we have to make happen.

Blanket apologies don’t work.

It is clear from the texts that projecting a blanket apology is not in line with the expectations. Rabbi Karo’s description, drawn from the Talmud, reminds us that we are doing this work in relationship.

We have to go before the one we’ve harmed and do the work. Blanket apologies of, “I’m sorry to anyone I’ve harmed this year,” are contrary to that relationship-based labor. Not to mention the fact that we are meant to specify the harm that we’ve done.

I wrote a thread about these blanket apologies on Twitter.

Words are not enough.

Maimonides expands on his comments mentioned above to say this:

Anyone who confesses with speech but does not complete [the work] in their heart to forsake [their actions], this is similar to one who immerses in a mikveh [to ritually purify themseles] with an [impure] creeping animal (sheretz) in their hand, when they know that the immersion will not be effective until they cast away the sheretz.

If we say we are sorry, but we don’t change our actions, our words are meaningless.

It is the combination of articulating the harm done, asking for forgiveness, and then actually making the changes that make this process “complete.”

If we don’t do all three of those things, we have not done Teshuvah, and Yom Kippur cannot help us.

Torah cannot do the work for us.

We might think that immersing ourselves, not in a mikvah, but in Torah study is another way of working through this process. I know folks who read Hilkhot Teshuvah, Maimonides’ the Laws of Repentance annually, as if that was enough.

But the Talmud sets us on the right path:

But someone who reads [Torah], and learns [Mishnah], and serves Torah Scholars, but their business practices are not with faith, and their words are not gentle with people, what do people say about them?

”Woe, are they who learn Torah, woe to their parent who taught them Torah, woe to their teacher who taught them Torah. That person who learned Torah, see how meaningless are their deeds, and how repulsive are their ways…”

If we cannot back up our Torah by doing the right thing, our Torah is meaningless. Not only that, it is a shame to those who taught us that Torah.

Learning a lot of Torah doesn’t save us if our actions are faithless.

As we move through Elul, we are invited, not just to talk about Teshuvah, but to do the work.
Because if we don’t do it, Yom Kippur will not atone for us.