God, Moses, and “impeded speech”
I want to talk a bit about impostor syndrome.
Impostor syndrome is the belief that you are not, in fact, capable of the task/work before you but you are, instead, a fraud.
It is that moment when your chest and stomach freeze up and you say to yourself, “what the hell am I doing here? I’m not qualified for this! What was I thinking?”
This sinking feeling can be overwhelming, paralyzing, and frustrating.
Fundamentally, impostor syndrome boils down to the idea that we’re lying and deceiving those around us. We’ve somehow concealed the truth about ourselves.
This is an experience that many (all) of us have had at some point.
In fact, on a quick search of the word impostor on Sefaria, I found two examples worthy of exploring.
First, this example from the story of Jacob and Esau.
Rebecca is encouraging Jacob to wear something hairy to trick his father. In Bereshit Chapter 27:11-12:
וַיֹּאמֶר יַעֲקֹב אֶל־רִבְקָה אִמּוֹ הֵן עֵשָׂו אָחִי אִישׁ שָׂעִר וְאָנֹכִי אִישׁ חָלָק׃ אוּלַי יְמֻשֵּׁנִי אָבִי וְהָיִיתִי בְעֵינָיו כִּמְתַעְתֵּעַ וְהֵבֵאתִי עָלַי קְלָלָה וְלֹא בְרָכָה׃
Jacob answered his mother Rebecca, “But my brother Esau is a hairy man and I am smooth-skinned. If my father touches me, I shall appear to him as a trickster and bring upon myself a curse, not a blessing.”
This word, תעתע, is sometimes translated here as “impostor”, but in the JPS translation here, is defined as “trickster.” This comes from the root, תעע, meaning to mock or deceive.
Here, Jacob is pretending to be something he isn’t. He is an impostor stealing his brother’s birthright.
Another example of an impostor comes from the term רמאי, which can be found here in Maimonides’ Mishneh Torah on Gifts to the Poor:
עָנִי שֶׁאֵין מַכִּירִין אוֹתוֹ וְאָמַר רָעֵב אֲנִי הַאֲכִילוּנִי אֵין בּוֹדְקִין אַחֲרָיו שֶׁמָּא רַמַּאי הוּא אֶלָּא מְפַרְנְסִין אוֹתוֹ מִיָּד. הָיָה עֵרוֹם וְאָמַר כַּסּוּנִי בּוֹדְקִין אַחֲרָיו שֶׁמָּא רַמַּאי הוּא. וְאִם הָיוּ מַכִּירִין אוֹתוֹ מְכַסִּין אוֹתוֹ לְפִי כְּבוֹדוֹ מִיָּד וְאֵין בּוֹדְקִין אַחֲרָיו:
If a poor person who is unknown [in the area] has said, “I am hungry; please feed me,” They do not check into his background lest he be an impostor, but rather they feed him immediately. If he was naked and said, “Clothe me,” they do check on his background lest he be an impostor, but if they know him, they clothe him according to his honor immediately and they do not check on him.
In this section, we’re being taught that we’re not supposed to do a lot of research on someone we’re helping, we just help them. If someone is naked, we clothe them. Period.
However, there is a concern that they are a רמאי, a deceiver or impostor. Here, this refers to a person who is known to be a categorical liar. We can all think of someone who fits into that category.
With all of this, we can understand that an impostor is in fact a liar. It is someone who tricks and deceives. Impostor syndrome is the state of imagining yourself to be that liar.
This is how I believe Moses is feeling in this week’s Torah portion, Vaera.
God begins this portion by telling us about God’s promises. God appeared to our ancestors, established a covenant with them, and now hears their pain as they are in bondage. God remembers the people and God’s promise to those people.
Therefore, God says, “I will free you! I am the LORD! I keep my promises.”
Moses, empowered and emboldened, turns to the Israelites, and…nothing happens. The Torah says,
“They would not listen to Moses, their spirits crushed by cruel bondage.”
God then instructs Moses and tells him to go to Pharaoh.
Let’s stop here for a moment. How would you feel at this moment?
Your own people wouldn’t listen to you, now you’re going to go to the leader of the oppressors? You’re supposed to be a leader, God-ordained, literally, and nobody listens to you.
This is the impostor syndrome. This is the voice we’re all hearing. And Moses does too:
וַיְדַבֵּר מֹשֶׁה לִפְנֵי ה׳ לֵאמֹר הֵן בְּנֵי־יִשְׂרָאֵל לֹא־שָׁמְעוּ אֵלַי וְאֵיךְ יִשְׁמָעֵנִי פַרְעֹה וַאֲנִי עֲרַל שְׂפָתָיִם׃
But Moses appealed to the LORD, saying, “The Israelites would not listen to me; how then should Pharaoh heed me, a man of impeded speech!”
Moses imagines himself incapable. He feels as though he is an impostor.
And this is the key: what does God do?
God reminds Moses of where he came from. God spends the next number of verses explaining the family tree, reminding Moses where he exists in that list of family. God puts Moses into context.
This is the first lesson of fighting impostor syndrome: put yourself into context.
By understanding where we came from, we can remind ourselves that we are supposed to be exactly where we are. We studied, trained, and/or worked to be where we are. It wasn’t just given to us, but we earned it along the way. Our journey is evidence that we are not an impostor.
Then, the Torah does something interesting. It moves away from the dialogue and instead, the narrator turns to the reader, you and me:
הוּא אַהֲרֹן וּמֹשֶׁה אֲשֶׁר אָמַר ה׳ לָהֶם הוֹצִיאוּ אֶת־בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל מֵאֶרֶץ מִצְרַיִם עַל־צִבְאֹתָם׃ הֵם הַמְדַבְּרִים אֶל־פַּרְעֹה מֶלֶךְ־מִצְרַיִם לְהוֹצִיא אֶת־בְּנֵי־יִשְׂרָאֵל מִמִּצְרָיִם הוּא מֹשֶׁה וְאַהֲרֹן׃
It is the same Aaron and Moses to whom the LORD said, “Bring forth the Israelites from the land of Egypt, troop by troop.” It was they who spoke to Pharaoh king of Egypt to free the Israelites from the Egyptians; these are the same Moses and Aaron.
This is so fascinating! We’re now a character in the Torah. We’re a part of this story. The Torah is whispering to us the spoilers.
This person, who feels as though they are the impostor, actually do the thing! Moses and Aaron free the Israelite people! They actually talked to Pharaoh!
This is the second lesson of fighting impostor syndrome: step out of your head.
When we’re in our own heads, perhaps with an internal monologue, we can fall down our own rabbit hole. We have to step back from the moment and take a broader view. If we can see ourselves more objectively, we can recognize that we’re not impostors. We’ve done the work, we’ve completed the training.
Even more than that, imagine that you’ve already succeeded at the task before you. Imagine there was a narrator out there who would say, “This is the same person who succeeded in their goals. It was they who stood face to face with the challenge and defeated it.” How powerful could you be with that mental framing?
And then God speaks to Moses again, repeating God’s instruction: go speak to Pharaoh.
וַיֹּאמֶר מֹשֶׁה לִפְנֵי ה׳ הֵן אֲנִי עֲרַל שְׂפָתַיִם וְאֵיךְ יִשְׁמַע אֵלַי פַּרְעֹה׃
Moses appealed to the LORD, saying, “See, I am of impeded speech; how then should Pharaoh heed me!”
But, things aren’t the same now. Moses doesn’t say the same thing he did before. Something is different, something is missing.
The fear of the Israelites is gone. Even though it didn’t work the first time, Moses remembers that he knows the people. Their refusal wasn’t about him, it was about their “spirit.” Moses remembers that he’s trusted.
This is the third lesson of fighting impostor syndrome: you are trusted.
We wouldn’t be in the position we are in without trust. The trust of teachers, mentors, employers is real. If there was no trust, we wouldn’t be there.
Trust is fickle though. It can take years to earn and moments to lose.
It can be reasonable to be afraid, I think, of losing someone’s trust, because it is so valuable. But it is important to remember that trust is something that is shown to you, not just in words, but in actions. Someone who doesn’t trust you will show you that in many ways. If you’re still there, you’re still trusted.
God replies to Moses and offers a solution to his concern: Aaron’s help.
אַתָּה תְדַבֵּר אֵת כָּל־אֲשֶׁר אֲצַוֶּךָּ וְאַהֲרֹן אָחִיךָ יְדַבֵּר אֶל־פַּרְעֹה וְשִׁלַּח אֶת־בְּנֵי־יִשְׂרָאֵל מֵאַרְצוֹ׃
You shall repeat all that I command you, and your brother Aaron shall speak to Pharaoh to let the Israelites depart from his land.
Aaron is going to be Moses’ helper, his prophet, his teammate. Moses is concerned about something he perceives as his weakness, his oratory skills. He describes himself as someone with “impeded speech.” Many commentators explain that this is because Moses had a stutter. As a result, God helps Moses by giving him a partner with complementary skills.
This is the fourth lesson of fighting impostor syndrome: work together.
No one person is good at everything. We all have weaknesses, perceived or real. Receiving help and finding teammates is a fantastic way to accomplish your goals. Not only will that person be able to help you where you feel weak, but they can also remind you that you have value to bring.
Not only that, but often, our perceived weaknesses aren’t real weaknesses.
This brings me to my final point:
Impostor syndrome is the lie, not you.
Read it again.
The idea that we’re a fraud, in the face of so much evidence to the contrary, is the lie itself. We can be proud of everything we’ve accomplished and when that pesky doubt pops into our heads, we can confidently say, “impostor syndrome, you are the lie.”
As the Torah tells us, this is the same Moses and Aaron who did incredible things. So too, you can and will do incredible things. Don’t let impostor syndrome, that lying bastard, stop you from being your best self.
So, to review, the lessons to fighting impostor syndrome:
- Put yourself into context.
- Step out of your head.
- You are trusted.
- Work together.